But Soft! What Light Through Yonder TV Breaks?

There has been way too much focus on the insignificant happenings in my life recently. It's time to focus on something much more frivolous and enjoyable... TV!

[Applause]

Between the return of old favorites and the debuts of new ones, I have to watch an average of 4 hours of TV a day just to keep my DVR from exploding. On Thursdays I even have to record 5 hours while watching 2 hours on the TV upstairs (I do not have the luxury of having 2 boxes like you, Andrew). But I'm not complaining. What do they call it... la douleur exquise? Okay, so that expression is used to refer to love, but that's the kind of relationship I have with my television programming.

Let me indulge my addiction by summarizing what I think about some of the shows I currently have on my roster (keep in mind that this is only a fraction of what I watch). Instead of breaking it up in a more logical way like old/new or good/bad, I figured I would go with alphabetical...

Alias - You killed off Vaughan. You are dead to me now (okay, so I'll probably still watch... but grudgingly).

America's Next Top Model 5 - I don't know about this one. I'm struggling to find even one contestant that I could root for or give a damn about. Besides, the 5th season is way past the length of my usual reality show relationships. Normally, I watch season 1 and probably season 2, catch a few episodes of season 3 if there's nothing else on, and forget the rest. This series is looking pretty sick. I may have to take it out back and shoot it pretty soon. Sorry Andrew.

Arrested Development - Like the rest of America, I didn't watch the first couple seasons, but goshdarnit, I'm hooked now. Come on, how can you not love a show with characters like lawyer Bob Loblaw and flying Poppins in Wee Britain?

Bones - I hate to say that a show with Angel in it should be cancelled, but it should. The show is 25% Crossing Jordan, 25% CSI, and 50% bad - bad writing, bad plot, bad character development. Using an unrealistic supercomputer that can recreate any crazy-ass death scenario in 3D to advance the plot is just plain lazy. And you actually had to dub over part of the speech in a scene because the actor didn't use correct grammar in the original take? You've got to be kidding me.

Boston Legal - The premiere was slower than I expected it to be, but I can't say anything bad about this show. I can't imagine it sinking when it has so many great actors holding it up, but what's with the sudden supporting actor super shuffle? Am I getting senile already, or did they just dump a bunch of newbies in without much of an explanation?

Everybody Hates Chris - Let's face it. Anything out of Chris Rock's mouth is funny. Period.

Grey's Anatomy - Like most medical dramedys, it may not be an accurate representation of intern life, but it's still good.

Head Cases - Thank god they already cancelled this one. That's one less show I have to b*tch about.

How I Met Your Mother - It's hard to imagine how far they could go with a show built on the premise of a father (Bob Saget's voice) recounting to his kids how he met their mother, but the first couple episodes haven't been that bad. Neil Patrick Harris (aka Doogie Howser) is actually quite delightful.

Kitchen Confidential - There are definitely some clever moments on this show, and it doesn't hurt to have a Buffy import on it (Nicholas Brendan). The women are a little annoying, but thank goodness they don't have big roles, yet. Tell me they are going to feature John Cho's character more often, and maybe I'll consider putting it on my exclusive "record all episodes" list.

Lost - The rebel in me always hates to rave about something that is already over-hyped, but the suspense on this show really is compelling.

My Name is Earl - The premise of this show had me worried. I could see it getting bogged down by stupid jokes and tired stereotypes and falling off the unfunny cliff, but it didn't go there. Jason Lee is great, but I think the Office Max guy is the secret spice. It's honestly funny. Love it.

The Office - It's funny because you can't beat Steve Carrell's pathetic character, but it's also funny because it's sadly what office life is really like.

Prison Break - I have no idea if there is a feasible storyline or good character development because I can't stop staring at Wentworth Miller. This show could be reduced to just a webcam in an empty room with Wentworth wandering around and I would still watch faithfully every Monday night. Just please don't cut off any more of his toes. Thanks.

Reunion - I feel like Rachel's character in that Friends episode where, in response to one of Joey's stupid yet endearing statements, she pats him on the head and says, "you're so pretty." Except there's nothing endearing about this show. It's just a bunch of pretty young actors (and one guy with an annoying lisp), who hope that this is their big break, being overly dramatic while hopping around in a poorly constructed plot. Let me feign some interest and hope that this gets better. NOT.

Rome - One softcore porn shot or gratuitous full frontal nudity guaranteed with every episode. But strangely, I find the historical accuracy much more intriguing.

Twins - Sigh. It pains me to be mean to the writers of Will & Grace, but what happened? How can you guys write such crap? Even blind people could see these jokes from a mile away. I want to say that the show could recover with some better writing, but the cheesy actors they have can't change who they are. You know it's bad if Melanie Griffith isn't even the worst actor on the show. That is why I would also like to bring the guillotine down on this one. I feel bad for Sara Gilbert. She got stuck on a dud.

Veronica Mars - Like Sandhya once said to me, "If I were a guy, I would totally jock you." Yeah, Kristin Bell, if I were a guy, I would totally jock you. Gotta love a no-nonsense, quick-witted female lead. I'm not quite sure where this season is going though. School bus off a cliff? Eh. No worries. I'll go along for the ride.

So, that's the majority of the list. I also fully intend to catch Numbers. I've just missed the new episodes because the hurricane threw me off.

Then there's the shows I have to watch out of loyalty, because they have pretty people in them, and because I would be stoned to death in public if I didn't. These include: Joey, Will & Grace, The OC, and Desperate Housewives.

Also, honorable mention goes to So You Think You Can Dance. The finale may be this Wednesday, but the performances will be saved on my DVR for many months to come. Blake may be obnoxiously cocky, but you can't deny that he is the most incredible dancer. I don't think a professional dancer should win either, so I have my fingers crossed for Nick.

Okay. I have said my piece. I apologize for taking away 2 minutes of your life that you cannot get back. Don't be angry with me. My name is Bonnie, and I'm a TV-oholic.