Track 3: Wise Up (Aimee Mann)

This is probably fitting as the last track on my cd. I think I've put enough weird and depressing stuff out there, so in conclusion...

Life isn't bad. It's just frustrating and tiring at times because it feels like I am constantly swimming against the current. I've been on this earth 26 years, and I have been trying to improve myself for at least the past 15. Yet, I feel like my progress could only be measured in millimeters. The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Are we just hardwired to be the people we are? Are all of our attempts to change our feelings, change our habits, to "mature" just futile attempts to put a little makeup and some fancy clothes on an ugly person? You may look different, feel different, but only for a little while. When you strip down at the end of the day, you still have that same flawed person staring back at you, right?

There was a special on the Discovery Channel about feral children a few weeks ago. It described real cases of children who had either been raised by animals or so abused (locked in a cage for 13 years in a dark room without any interaction with people) that they had to be trained to be human. The psychologists defined being human as the ability to have empathy for others, and the ability to master grammar. With training, all of the children were able to learn empathy. Mastering grammar, the ability to put words together to effectively communicate thoughts, was impossible to learn after the age of 5 or so. In addition, no matter how many years it had been since they were last in a harsh/abusive environment, these people were still prone to revert, every once in a while, to their wild selves.

It's just scary to think that there are some things you may never be able to change about yourself no matter how hard you try. I guess the consolation prize is that now you have something to blame all of your mistakes on.

Extreme pain - physical injuries, death, total loss - I can handle. It's the ambiguous, mundane issues that I have to face in everyday life that I have trouble with. I'm like a soldier without a war to fight. I know I should be thanking my lucky stars for every moment that I don't have to be called into action, but I can't help feeling lost and useless. At least in battle you have something to focus on, an enemy, a target, a cause. Instead, right now I'm more of a mall security guard - hating my itchy uniform, fully aware that there's no such thing as a promotion, and wondering if busting some kid for shoplifting a comic book really makes a difference.

The last verses of this song just keep running through my mind...

It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
So just... give up.