Track 1: Bullet with Butterfly Wings (Smashing Pumpkins)

Seems like I have been getting a lot of mixed cd's from people lately - the music industry must be cringing as I type this.

I think the mixed cd is a sign of a close relationship. There are a couple different kinds of relationships that are revealed by examining the motivation behind the making and giving of a personal compilation of music. There's the "hey, I think we're similar enough that we would enjoy the same music," followed by the "hey, I think I know you well enough to know what music you like, and I wanted to give you something to make you happy" - hopefully the motivation behind that cd your significant other gives you. There's trust there. There's the urge to please. There's compatibility. If he/she burns you a cd full of songs you don't really like... it may be a bad sign. Or, it could be the last possibility, the "hey, I don't really care what you like - I think everyone should listen to what I like." If that is what you get, you either don't mind letting this person push you around, or you can't wait to get away from them.

I've only given away one mixed cd in my life. It's probably the last time I ever really opened up to anybody, and I don't think that's a good thing. So, here's where the cliche comes in... you think you know, but you have no idea.

To some degree, the person you think I am is who I am... but only in the same way that there is some truth to every funny joke. It's not the full picture, because who I am to you is primarily a reaction to what you are like. If you are outspoken, I'm quiet. If you are shy, I'm outgoing. If you are a Democrat, I'll come off as a Republican. If you're a Republican, I'll sound like a Democrat to you. It's not because I'm too weak to have a real personality, or that I'm just one of those jerks who likes to contradict everyone. I may come off as indecisive or unmotivated too, but that's just the surface. I guess I should explain.

You are more important than me. Now you might assume that this is a self-esteem issue. We could have a long discussion, and I'll probably give you some points for that. It doesn't matter though. Here's what really drives that. When I was 11, I cried myself to sleep every single night for a year thinking about all the things I knew would happen in life. It wasn't just the simple, "wow, at some point everyone's going to die" type of thing. It was just so sad to think about all of the things I knew would happen, all the pain that the people around me would suffer, and how no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to protect them from it. I was regretting all of the things I hadn't even faced yet. Couldn't help it. Every night my mind would kick into high gear, and I would be bombarded with thoughts and images - embarrassments, failures, cancer, war, poverty... what would happen to my family, my friends, the neighbors, that stranger walking down the street, the people on the evening news. What could I do about it? I had to shut it down. I made some promises to myself. Here is what I decided:

1) Nothing will ever be more important than the people around me - not material things or my own happiness. Everything I accomplish... my only goal in acquiring knowledge, wealth, or power is to be able to help people that I care about. The stronger I get, the more money I make, the more people I can include in that promise.
2) I am not afraid to die.
3) I will be the hardest on myself. The only way to make sure that I don't lose sight of these promises is to be brutally honest. No excuses - it's never good enough.

So, why am I not in some third world country digging ditches and fighting injustice? Simply put, I can't control that kind of intensity. I get too passionate about things, I feel way too much. I would burn myself out and probably end up jumping off a bridge. I feel bad when someone I know loses a quarter. I want to go back in time and prevent it; I want to go out in the middle of the night and find it. Ridiculous huh? I can't help it. It seems like I spend most of my life avoiding that feeling now. It's the reason I don't like to get close to people. It's the reason I don't spend more time with my parents or work in their store. A customer is rude to them, the wrong shipment comes in, my mom looks tired... it's like stabs to the heart. A couple hours there and I am experiencing massive blood loss... have to get out before I bleed out.

The only thing I can manage to do most of the time is to give other people what they want - even if it's just letting you choose the restaurant that you want to eat at. Go ahead and pick the movie. Tell me where you want to go today. Nothing really is that important to me. I will never be as upset about not doing what I want to do as you might be. Sounds like I've just got a sign on my back that says "doormat", right? Eh. Most of the time I let people take advantage of my good nature, but it's a conscience decision. I'm not secretly wishing that someday they will care about what I want. I push back sometimes. I'm not stupid. I realize that if I say "Hey everyone! If you want something from me, just go ahead and take it," I will be robbed blind in 2 seconds flat. I wish it wasn't that way, that I didn't have to protect myself sometimes, but I can't change that.

How could I say that I'm not materialistic when I have a nice house, a nice car, etc? Because I ask myself everyday if I could walk away from it all in the next moment. Could I honestly live in a dingy, rat-infested apartment? Could I drive a 20 year old car with no air conditioning? If that answer is ever no, then I've strayed from the promise I made. The only way I can justify having anything is if I didn't have to deprive anyone else to have it, and if I know I could give it up.

Couldn't I just lie to myself and say the answer is yes all the time? I thought of that problem. I even built in a check point when I was 12 to make sure I didn't change. Back then, I had a stuffed animal and blanket that I really loved. I told myself that if I ever thought of getting rid of them, that would be the point where I knew something had changed. I had become a different person. I may have lost sight of who I wanted to be and what I valued most. My stuffed animal and blanket are still sitting on my bed today. You just thought that I was a sentimental pack rat huh?

I am also brutally honest with myself. I never stop questioning my motives. I know, just like every other human being on earth, that I have the capacity to give in to all of the vices. It's part of the reason that I can relate to everyone and understand why people can do seemingly horrific things - theft, murder, adultery. I can see the desperation, the jealousy, the anger, the panic, the hate, the cruelty in myself. I am capable of being shallow, hypocritical, and weak. We all can. It's naive to think that you're immune to it. I am no saint and neither are you. That's no reason to give in to it though. It takes constant vigilance. Most of the time I'm just tired and disappointed in myself.

All of this sounds self-righteous and dramatic, right? You don't have to keep reading or believe any of it. I'm not using this post to whine about how hard my life is either. I have no right to whine. I just thought it was sad that I hadn't "made a mixed cd for someone" in a really long time. I haven't found anyone who is really tuning in to the same frequency, so I figured I would just broadcast my signal out into space. I'm not going to be any different in person than before I wrote this. Nothing will change, but if you want to keep swimming out to the deep end of my personality, keep listening. Track 2 of this mixed cd will be burned tomorrow. This is going to be one bizarre cd...