The Problem with Being Bonnie

I swear this is more than just stupidity...

I'm starting to think that most of my problems stem from a lack of self-awareness - not in the examination of feelings and motivations sense (I spend way too much time scrutinizing that stuff) - I mean physical self-awareness. This may sound a little funny, but I really have no idea what I look like. The problems that result from this include:

1) I forget what I may look like to other people - like the fact that I am a small Asian girl (I suppose), so I am constantly surprised by people's reaction to me. This usually comes into play when people are trying to insult me... calling me short or skinny or making some kind of bad Asian joke. My first reaction to this stuff isn't really anger or embarrassment... it's more like "what? Oh yeah... I am Chinese...." I have the same reaction to compliments.

2) I can't really buy clothes without trying them on, because I have no idea exactly how fat or skinny I am. I will sometimes grab things off of a rack and think "hey, this might fit me" and it will either turn out to be an adult size 8 or a child size 8 - neither of which are anywhere close to fitting.

3) I rarely get caricatures or portraits drawn of me, but if I do, my first thought when I see the finished product is "really? This is what I look like?" You really could almost draw me with three eyes, and I would probably assume it was an accurate representation.

4) I'll run into things like doorways once in a while because it doesn't occur to me that I actually have limbs that protrude from my body. I find myself saying "dammit, how could I forget that I have an arm?"

5) Before you start thinking that all of these problems are trivial... here's the kicker. Since I have no idea what I look like, I basically have to guess what I look like based on a weighted average of all of the comments people make about me (i.e. I am subject to every single opinion that people have about me... from crazy relatives to crazy strangers).

I have to thank Grant Gavronovic for triggering this realization in high school calculus class. I had to drag my self-portrait from art class into calculus that day. Upon seeing it, Grant asked me, "when you draw a self-portrait, do you put your mole on the left or right side of your face?" (On the off chance that there is anyone reading this who has never seen me... you can imagine whatever you like... I don't have the time, or the ability for that matter, to explain it). Taking a moment to recognize the fact that Grant made a rather insightful comment (do people really draw direct or mirror images of themselves in self-portraits?), the thing I realized was that I hadn't drawn a mole at all. I totally missed it when I was drawing my self-portrait. That's how unaware I am of exactly what I look like.

Yes, I know this is pitiful, and you are allowed to hold on to the opinion that I am just a scatterbrained individual. I also realize that if you have never met me, you are having a wild time imagining what I look like. Enjoy!